Fight a Good Fight

By Ayanda | Fri, Mar 1st, 2013

I am no relationship guru, but I know what it feels like when fights drag your relationships – with your partners, siblings, colleagues, friends etc.-  to such a pit that all you can say to the other person is “I don’t know what I can say to you anymore”. The moments you try to be calm and polite when you are actually boiling inside and wish you could just gather enough courage to say ” I’m am fed up with you, I am through with you and this relationship, and do not want to hear, see, feel or even associate with anything to do with you, ever!” In reality, unfortunately, you can never say that because you aren’t really through with them, and Heaven only knows how much you love them.

Unfortunately no matter how much we love anybody, we can never ever completely avoid fighting with them; except that we need to start fighting fair. Fair? Yes.  I’m not going to tell you about “taking turns to bite each other’s heads off” and “giving another person a chance to speak” as most books and psychologists say because in my life that is not realistic. Who cares about giving someone else a chance to speak when they are burning with emotion and they want to be heard!  All I can suggest though right now is what you can stop.

First, just before gurgling, bursting and saying all those things you might regret a minute later; try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. How will they feel if you start saying all those things? Even if they are all true and they need to be said, is this the best time? We need to master the art of good timing. Stop dragging your issues with each other into your daily arguments about “your dog ate my T-Shirt” and ” You always make me pay” and only argue to resolve the issue at hand – because this causes things to grow out of proportion. We need to stop judging each other in our fighting and stop reveling at pointing out other’s weaknesses.

When one is expressing their feelings all we should be trying to do is understand why they feel this way or that  and explain to them why we do or did this or that instead of using judgmental statements on one another; things like “you’re paranoid”, “you’re being petty”, “you’re insecure” and this and that. This does not give anyone a chance to grow, it doesn’t make anyone feel any better about themselves, it doesn’t make anyone feel loved and cared for; and it certainly does not resolve the situation at hand.

Misunderstandings, fights and arguments should not be a platform to judge and destroy each other but to gain a better understanding of one another, and to help each other grow, so that after each and every fight, not matter how heated it may have been, both parties should feel that they have something to learn. Because, trust me, in most cases both of you have been wrong in some degree, both of you have been hurt in some way. And, both of you need to apologize.


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